Analogy for Applause

What I’m about to share is one of my favorite anaolgies. I hope everyone applies it to their lives. This analogy was born several years ago while I was at BYU. I was a music major and consequently attended lots of concerts. Let’s be honest – some concerts are better than others. Some concerts are amazing and inspiring; others are boring and a good chance to catch up on sleep. Same goes with theater. Some plays are great and some are terrible. One thing that became apparent to me after attending several events is that no matter what, there are always people in the audience who give standing ovations. This is where my analogy comes in.

Attending a concert/play is like going on a first date. The performers are your date. How you respond at the end of the performance is how you say goodnight to your date. Similar to concerts, not all dates are equally good. You like some dates better than others. Some make you laugh, some you connect with, and some are boring. On most dates, even if they are not good dates, you always give the girl/guy a hug at the end. This is just out of respect. They spent the last few hours with you and its just good manners to give them a hug at the end. This is a normal applause at the end of a performance. Just a gentle, respectful applause thanking the performers for trying. If the date is really bad it is sometimes appropriate to leave without a hug. Similarly, it is sometimes okay to not clap at the end of a performance if it was offensive or really terrible.

If the date went well, sometimes a kiss on the cheek is appropriate. Similarly, sometimes a more vigorous and appreciative applause is in order if you really enjoyed a performance for whatever reason. On especially good first dates, you may end with a kiss on the lips. Now, I don’t recommend kissing on first dates, but I suppose there are situations where the date was so good a full kiss is appropriate. This is a loud, extended applause with yelling or whistling! Really good concerts or plays will sometimes get exclamations of “Bravo!” and “Encore”. This is only appropriate for excellent performances just like ending a first date with a kiss should also be more of an exception than a rule. Finally, every once in a while….and I mean this is really an exception, a date is so out-of-this-world fantastic that you decide to sleep with them after the first date. (This is not a Mormon approved analogy nor do I approve of ever sleeping with a first date unless for some crazy reason you are married to your first date, which would only really happen if it was an arranged marriage and that’s probably not very typical. At BYU or in Vegas, it probably isn’t that unusual to get married after a first date, so for those of you offended by this analogy, you can repeat it by using marriage in Vegas instead of sleeping with someone). Giving standing ovations is like sleeping with someone on your first date. Obviously, if you sleep with EVERYONE after the first date, you are a slut. You don’t want to be a slut do you?

All these people who are going crazy with their applause and standing ovations for every performance are clap sluts. It’s like they are making out and/or sleeping with everyone on the first date. If you do this repeatedly, it diminishes the meaning of your applause (kisses). As a performer, I’d like to feel like the standing ovation I just got meant something. I thought there was a real connection. If you gave a high school production of The Music Man a standing ovation a weekend before, it’s like you just slept with some pimply face nerd. Thanks, but you’ll sleep with anyone! That doesn’t make me feel appreciated! If you want your applause to mean something, save it for someone special! No performer wants pity sex…I mean applause. I’m getting my analogy mixed up. But I think you get my point. Seriously, every time I’m in a mediocre concert and I see standing ovations I shake my head and think to myself…”sluts”. Next time you are at a performance of any kind, before you clap, think about your dating philosophy. If you are the type of person to kiss everyone goodnight on the first date…go ahead…whoop and holler all you want.

Some people may argue that the applause should reflect the talent level. If you go to a High School concert, you don’t expect the NY Philharmonic. That’s fine, but then they don’t get the standing O! You probably wouldn’t kiss someone just because they were less “physically talented”. They have to seriously exceed expectations to deserve that. It’s like going out with that awkward and unattractive guy/girl that was sweet but there isn’t much there. Give them their courtesy applause and thank them for their time. These kids need something to aspire to and work towards. I still aspire to someday being a good enough oboe player to play in front of a large crowd and getting a standing ovation. I’m not there. I’ve received standing ovations before…but I felt bad getting them and wish I could have turned it down. Unfortunately, you can’t say to people clapping for you “Thanks, but no thanks…I don’t want your STD’s of appreciation.” It’s uncomfortable getting one when you don’t deserve it…unless you are a slut too.

At the end of the day, I believe in meritocracy. We are motivated by consequences and rewards. If you do well enough, you’ll get the appropriate appreciation. It’s like tipping waiters. I’ll save my tipping philosophy for another blog.

Worst Sunday School Teacher EVER

A couple weeks ago in church the lesson in Sunday School related to Saul. This brought back fond memories of when I had to give that same lesson in a Sunday School for the singles ward about 5 years ago. (For those of you who may be reading this and are not Mormon, a singles ward is a congregation that consists of only single people with the hopes that you’ll fall in love long enough to eventually settle with one of the other singles. After about 6 months in one of these wards, eternity with anyone seems like a better option than going to one more singles dance. It’s a highly effective way to get people married off). I remember giving this lesson specifically because I was immediately fired after the lesson…and it isn’t easy to get fired in church. I didn’t read the lesson beforehand so I had the class start reading 1 Samuel Chapter 9 out loud. When we got to 1 Samuel 9:3, I decided to “apply the scripture unto myself” and made a brilliant analogy on how that scripture refers to the purpose of the singles ward and refers to the task the church had assigned to us at that point in our lives. I even elaborated on how that verse highlights the importance of wingmen (in that you should never seek asses alone). They never let me teach another Sunday school lesson.

To save you time, 1 Samuel 9: 1-3 is as follows:
1Now there was a man of Benjamin, whose name was Kish, the son of Abiel, the son of Zeror, the son of Bechorath, the son of Aphiah, a Benjamite, a mighty man of power.
2And he had a son, whose name was Saul, a choice young man, and a goodly: and there was not among the children of Israel a goodlier person than he: from his shoulders and upward he was higher than any of the people.
3And the asses of Kish Saul's father were lost. And Kish said to Saul his son, Take now one of the servants with thee, and arise, go seek the asses.

Air Conditioning

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate the cold and love summer. June is the best month of the year in Denver– the weather turns hot but everything is still green from the spring and afternoon storms. However, I have noticed a major problem with summer in Colorado. Coloradoans can’t take the heat. They have grown so used to the cold weather that they actually enjoy it. As soon as it gets over 80 degrees they start complaining about the blistering heat and how you can’t go outside. (Very similar to my attitude when the temperature dips below 60 degrees and it’s too cold to go outside). Consequently, Coloradoans deal with the “suffocating” heat of 80 degrees by cranking up the air conditioner so they can continue their miserable and freezing lives in sub 60 degree temperatures. As a result, I’m generally colder on average in summer than I am in the winter! What is wrong with these people? I only get 3 months a year of good warm summertime weather…don’t deprive me of that! It’s bad enough I have to spend the entire day in an office while I look out the window to a beautiful sunny 80 degree day only to leave work at 6 just in time for the temperature to drop down to 70 and rob me of my joy. Now I have to spend all day looking out the window at a beautiful sunny 80 degree day while I’m wearing a sweater in a freezing office trying to restore the feeling to my frozen fingers. I mean, we only get 3-4 months of good weather here! Lots of people praise Colorado for having 4 seasons, but lets not fool ourselves. For me, Winter is anytime there is the threat of snowfall. If it can snow, it’s winter. IT always snows in October and the last snow is always in May. That’s 8 fricken months of Winter. There are no 4 seasons here. There is winter and not winter. Sure, there are 3 weeks when the leaves change and it’s a slightly less miserable winter and there are a few weeks in April or May when it gets warm enough just to get your hopes up before 2 feet of snow gets dropped on your house again, but this is all still winter – just to a slightly less miserable disagree. So all I’m saying is: don’t ruin my 3 months of summer with your air conditioner. Thanks.